If you’re new to this site, it’s probably best if you start at the beginning and read the posts in order. Here’s the first post: link
(This post is “sticky” and will remain at the top of the page. For the latest content, scroll down a bit….)
If you’re new to this site, it’s probably best if you start at the beginning and read the posts in order. Here’s the first post: link
(This post is “sticky” and will remain at the top of the page. For the latest content, scroll down a bit….)
It’s funny that this blog seems to attract people who are significantly smarter than I am. Either I have the traits of a much smarter person, or I’m much smarter than I think I am.
I’m going with the first theory. I don’t think I’m much smarter than I think I am.
I may have found a shrink. It’s been suggested in the past that I seek a psychologist who has experience with and knowledge of gifted individuals— but such people are a bit hard to come by. Nonetheless, I tracked down somebody who is about an hour away from me. That’s a bit of a haul, but not too terrible— especially if useful— but that doc was able to also give me a referral to somebody who is significantly closer.
I’ve spoken to the first doc, and think he seems pretty good. I await a call back from the second doc. Then it’s just a case of choosing one.
So, one way or the other, I am hopeful.
In 1993, mathematics professor/science fiction author Vernor Vinge wrote a now-famous article entitled “The Coming Technological Singularity“. He talked about the future, and a time when humanity will create an artificial (i.e. computer) superhuman intelligence, and the consequences of that event.
At one point, he discusses the specific nature of the difference between human and superhuman intelligence:
Imagine yourself locked in your home with only limited data access to the outside, to your masters. If those masters thought at a rate — say — one million times slower than you, there is little doubt that over a period of years (your time) you could come up with “helpful advice” that would incidentally set you free. (I call this “fast thinking” form of superintelligence “weak superhumanity”[...]. “Strong superhumanity” would be more than cranking up the clock speed on a human-equivalent mind. It’s hard to say precisely what “strong superhumanity” would be like, but the difference appears to be profound. Imagine running a dog mind at very high speed. Would a thousand years of doggy living add up to any human insight?)
I need to backtrack a bit here, and describe the Singularity of the article’s title. A singularity is a point at which it’s impossible to know what lies beyond. The center of a black hole is generally thought of as a singularity — its gravitational pull is so great that no energy can escape it, thus no information can get out, thus it’s impossible to know what’s going on in there from the outside. In the context of spacetime, the Big Bang is another singularity; there’s basically no way we will ever be able to know what, if anything, happened or existed before the Big Bang.
So it is with superhuman intelligence. If there is an intellect out there somewhere that is truly superhuman, then a thousand years of “humany” living isn’t going to add up to superhuman insight. Because of this, it’s impossible for mere humans to imagine what a superhuman intellect would be like– it’s a singularity. The creation of a “strong” superhuman intelligence is a point in history beyond which we simply cannot predict, because we can’t possibly comprehend the vastly different thought process of such an intelligence.
I’ve always found this an interesting discussion, and I think that the distinction he makes, though vastly exaggerated in the new context, applies to geniuses as well– not superhuman, but “pinnacle” human intelligence.
Specifically, I think that most people imagine that geniuses’ minds work just like theirs, but moreso, or faster. Just as Vinge struggles to imagine what a “strong” superhuman intelligence might possibly be like, it’s difficult for any person to imagine (with any accuracy, at least) what it would be like to be significantly smarter than they themselves are — even remaining within the range of actual human intelligence. It’s an infinite loop — you would have to actually be that much smarter to understand what it’s like to be that much smarter. On the small scale the change is negligible, but in the higher levels — can a person with a 100 IQ every really understand what’s going on in the mind of a person with 160 IQ? Well, yes. Sometimes. Geniuses do have human instincts, not to mention hunger, lust, and the whole gamut of human desire. But by and large the thought process is on an entirely different level– the 160 IQ is going to make connections that simply aren’t possible from the average mind. This in turn can lead to an alienation among the exceptionally intelligent that is difficult to overcome.
It’s no wonder to me that geniuses have such a high suicide rate. The only way they can really relate to the masses of people around themselves is to essentially “dumb themselves down”. Even if they’re willing to do that, it’s difficult, and repressive in the long run. I remember when I was a child, I decided that I needed to simplify my language so that I fit in better with other kids. It lasted no longer than a couple months, after which I realized that I simply couldn’t express what I wanted to express if I wasn’t willing to use the full range of my ability. In the interests of fitting in I had shackled myself, and it was unbearable.
In many ways that has been my marriage. My wife sees me as judgmental, so I find myself not talking about things I would like to talk about. Even the stupid little things– she likes to watch mysteries and cop shows, so a lot of times I’ll turn to her during an ad and say “So who do you think did it?” She doesn’t know, and is offended that I think she should know. To me trying to figure it out is an obvious part of watching such a program, but she doesn’t want to think about it.
She’s gotten used to my little treatises on various subjects, but at such times she’s just along for the ride. For the most part I’m all but talking to myself. When I was a kid I had more friends over the age of 30 than I did my own age. Then I grew up and found myself more or less alone. I’ve muddled along, but I need something more. I need to find a way to surround myself with like minds. I’m thinking of joining Mensa or something, but how much will that do? (Interestingly, I also have a fear that I would try out for Mensa and not qualify. Heh. Impostor Syndrome, or am I not as smart as I think I am?)
The more I look at my life I feel like a piece of fruit that is just starting to rot. I can’t undo the damage that is already done, or the time already lost, but perhaps I can do better down the road. The question is How? Do I end a marriage that I think is dragging me down? Can I remain close to my family? Should I quit my job that leaves me twiddling my thumbs more often than not? (I work for the family company, and I’m no longer sure if I could hold down a different job.) Is the impulse to tear down existing structures just part of the pathology of depression, or is it a solid instinct that should be followed? Sometimes I feel as though my entire adult life has been one extended panic attack. I sleep more and more lately and rarely feel rested. (I need to take note of the times I do feel rested and figure out what’s different!) I’ve been adrift for decades. I don’t know the way back to shore, and if I find the way I’m not sure I can get there.
And the more I look at people the more they just seem like alien things to me. I don’t understand them, or when I do understand them I’m bothered by them. And I hate that. I hate feeling like that. I want to like people. I want to understand people. I want to… be people. But I’m not. The dichotomy of intelligence goes both ways, and a thousand years of “Fred-y” living will not add up to insight into the minds of average people. I’m living inside a singularity– I have no idea what the future holds, and the thought of finding out terrifies me.
“Statistically speaking, I’m the smartest person in the room.”
A friend of mine (Erika) was talking to an acquaintance of hers when the acquaintance made that statement. This pissed her off to no end, as she saw it as pure arrogance. I was hearing about it later as she was talking to me about the argument.
“Well,” I said, “What if it were true? Would it be arrogance if his IQ is extremely high?”
Erika’s response was unequivocal: Yes. After a small bit of back-and-forth, I pretty much established that, to Erika, there were simply no circumstances in which a person could make such a statement without it being an act of pure arrogance. I have no idea what the context of the original statement from him was, but I was still shocked by the depth of her determination.
Surely if a seven-foot tall person suggests that he’s probably the tallest person present, that’s not (definitively, at least) arrogance? If an Olympic gold medal sprinter suggests that he’s a fast runner, it’s pretty much established fact? So if a person knows himself to be in the top ½% of human intelligence, is it impossible for this to be mentioned without arrogance?
It certainly could be arrogance– somebody walking around randomly pointing out to people how smart he is is going to (rightly so) come off looking like a jerk– but if the topic of conversation is intelligence, then wouldn’t that be fair game in order to establish perspective at least?
Putting it another way, is it arrogant of me, here, in this blog, to mention the fact that I am a genius? Even though it is integral to the particular intent and perspective of this entire site? Some commenters have said so. Erika (if she knew this site existed) apparently would say “Yes”. So (with the same caveat) would my wife, Mary.
Recently I’ve been thinking about this aspect of myself more often — in context of this blog, and in response to suggestions from readers regarding books and such. As I’ve done so it’s dawned on me just how much I’ve been essentially stifling this aspect of myself, mostly in response to a strong negative push from my wife. She, like Erika, thinks it arrogant to mention it– essentially that I’m doing something morally wrong by bringing it up. But how can that be? It’s what I am. Is it morally wrong for me to exist? (I’m starting to think this is where this blog has done me the most good — it is the only outlet I have for contemplation or discussion of this part of myself.)
In recent months Mary and I have been going to marriage counseling. The last time we went I finally brought this topic up. I started by talking about how there was an aspect of myself that I had been burying because of Mary’s reaction to it, and that I simply couldn’t do it any more. With that lead-in, I stated what that aspect is — that I’m a genius. Mary started arguing back and forth about how I’m so arrogant about it, and the counselor* (visibly suppressing a smile) pointed out that he hadn’t seen me say a single thing that he saw as arrogant. I basically sat back in silence as she argued back and forth with him. The two of them actually went for about five to ten minutes, with a single interjection from me: “Mary, you’re doing it right now.”
It really struck me how bad of a point this was between us. For all the other issues we have, this one may actually be critical. I think many of our problems are her trying to “stand up to me” to prove that she’s just as good as I am, in light of my “arrogant” belief that I’m highly intelligent. The next day I picked up her laptop to use the web browser for a second, and the page she’d last been on popped up — an IQ test at Mensa’s web site. All I can guess is that she wanted to somehow show me that she’s just as “good” as I am.
I put “good” in quotes there for a reason. This is the crux of the problem: IQ is a measurement, and “genius” is simply a categorization based on that measure (at least in the sense that I almost always use it). Most people see it as a judgement call. You say “I’m a genius”, or “I have a high IQ” and they hear “I’m better than you.”
There are certainly arrogant geniuses out there; also non-geniuses who use the term for self-aggrandizement. But that does not– it can’t– invalidate every use of the term, or the very concept itself, as self-important fluff. Nonetheless, it’s clearly a touchy subject, and something that probably all highly intelligent people must deal with at one time or another. And it’s one more hurdle to be surmounted as geniuses try to fit in to the world around them.
—
* The counselor is Norm, for those who’ve been reading all along. Actually my wife’s psychologist, but expanded to seeing us together as the marriage has had trouble.
When I was a kid I was big into superheroes. I read comics, especially Superman, Batman, and that whole DC crew. I also, as you might imagine, spent a lot of time daydreaming what it would be like to have such amazing abilities.
Ultimately, there were a few particular powers that kept coming back in such imaginings. Probably the A Number One was flight. The whole idea of simply defying gravity and moving so freely always appealed to me immensely. As an adult it still pops up from time to time, such as when I’m stuck in traffic. Eh, let’s leave the car at home and just fly to work. ;-)
Second is time travel. A lot of this probably had to do with reading Ray Bradbury’s “A Sound of Thunder” when I was a kid. I think the complexity of such stories appealed to me and gave me something to think about.
But the third recurring fantasy? That’s the really interesting one to me. I wanted to be… sort of… psychic. I didn’t want clairvoyance, nor did I wanted to be able to read minds. This was something different. I wanted to be able to push thoughts to others. Not mind control, but…
Well, perhaps I should describe it as “reverse psychic”. I wanted to be able to make other people read my mind. I think it falls into the whole “liar” thing in a way. I wanted to make it so that, undeniably, they did know exactly what I was experiencing. To an extent it was also a way to overcome the limitations of the spoken word. How many times have you wanted to share an idea with someone, but it was too big to readily get it across — especially when you have to explain different aspects of it along the way? Think of an engineer trying to explain how to build a bridge, but along the way he first has to explain the concept of math. I’m far beyond “been there, done that”; I’m at “born there, bought a house”. To simply turn to somebody and think here I am and suddenly they just know — it’s still a very appealing idea.
(Incidentally, Superman had a lot to do with my ideas of never lying. Take a look at the original Superman movie. The day is saved by the fact that somebody believes him. He literally survives because somebody knows that he is honest. It always struck me that in the midst of a movie about a guy with godlike powers, that the thing that saves him is something that any of us could have.)
Just wanted to point out to any other struggling “gifted” folks out there: a commenter suggested the following book: Misdiagnosis And Dual Diagnoses Of Gifted Children And Adults (also at Amazon). The book is mainly aimed at parents of gifted kids, but can be very useful for adults in understanding themselves.
I’ve just started it, really, but it’s interesting even in what I found in the Table of Contents. I just about jumped when I saw there was a section on “Reactive Hypoglycemia” as related to people of high intelligence, as I suffer from this as well. How much about me is tied into this aspect of myself that I have largely ignored, or in certain respects even repressed?
If you’re not up for ordering a book, at the least I highly suggest checking out the organization SENG: Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted. Look at the articles on their web site. (It’s also listed in the “Resources” sidebar on the front page of this site.)
I think this is an important book, and there should be some teacher in any given school who is at least passingly familiar with this type of information. It’s unfortunate that the idea of “help for the gifted” strikes most people the same way as “welfare for the rich”: “Geniuses don’t need help. They’re geniuses! We’ve got more important things to worry about.” The problem is that many aspects of high intelligence manifest to “average” people as similar to mental illness (thus the old saw that “Madness is next to Genius”).
Earlier in this blog I mused that I may be somewhat autistic. No–not at all; but my intellect and mindset push me to pay far more attention to detail than anyone around me, to a point that must seem strange to most. My entire life I’ve also noted that I seem more “sensitive” to drugs — I’m not talking cocaine here; I’m talking aspirin. In college one time I needed to cram for a test, so I took some No-Doz. I was so wired from the regular dose that it was painful to have my eyes open. No sleep, AND no studying. If I take a drug for too long my body adjusts to it, thus certain allergy meds no longer have any effect for me. I can’t drink coffee because… well, I just can’t drink coffee. Add in the high sensitivity to anyone suggesting that I’m lying, and that type of thing. These are not aberrations — this type of thing is common for people who share the trait of high intelligence. I’ve barely even scratched the surface of the book.
Thank you to “She the Anomaly” for suggesting the book, and the SENG site, and… well, a lot of good info in general. Thank you.
[Note: This post was much expanded shortly after publication.]
Long story short: I’m going over to Mom’s tomorrow. Not really my choice, as you know if you’ve been reading along. I suppose I could feign violent illness or something, but that will simply push it to Friday.
The basic plan is to play it casual, and if she starts taking things in a bad direction, I’m willing to pack it up and leave without further discussion.
Probably not going to get much sleep tonight, which won’t help things.
Had a dream the other night.
I was arguing with my mother, and suddenly I just snapped and started hitting her. Closed fist. Hitting and hitting and hitting and
I woke up thrashing, in a literal cold sweat and heart racing. The dream had been so incredibly vivid–so real–that I thought at first that I was not dreaming but remembering something that had actually happened. I was terrified. “What have I done?”
None of it was real, but it took me a few minutes to convince myself of that. I’ve never had a dream feel so real to me upon waking. Before I was worried about dealing with Mom. Now I’m terrified.
I’ve never been a violent person. This whole concept is in no way par for the course. I need to talk to her and straighten things out with recent problems, but now I’m literally afraid to talk to her. I’ve had so many rugs yanked out from under me lately, and just as I was building up the grit to face a significant problem and deal with it…. I’m riding far too close to the edge lately.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Honesty is such a lonely word;
Everyone is so untrue.Billy Joel, “Honesty”
Over the years since it happened, I have come to think that the event itself was the least of the problem. It was the aftermath that caused the real damage. Previously in this blog I described it as being like an avalanche–the original… whatever… that fell isn’t what’s doing all the damage, but the mass that follows it is hugely destructive.
When I was a kid I decided that I couldn’t stand liars, and I resolved not to be one. In my own meticulous way I set out to remove not just lies from my vocabulary, but all untrue statements of any kind. Well, okay, but how do you avoid untrue statements if you don’t know they’re untrue? The answer is to properly categorize and conditionalize what you say. Did I read something in an article? Fine. Don’t just state it as fact; say “I read that….” “I’ve heard….” “I believe….”
Of course other people didn’t really understand what I was trying to do, or what my motivations were. If the fine distinction came up (e.g. something I said I’d read proved to be false) I was accused of trying to weasel out of things. In the long run I kept to the course, but kept it to myself. In a way however it also caused me to withdraw from people to an extent. Why put myself out there–in the best of intent and purpose–if that intent and purpose are simply going to be ridiculed? My attempts to be the most honest and straightforward person I could possibly be lead to others in my family seeing me as a liar. (On the other hand I have a small handful of acquaintances who tend to see me as extremely honest.) The people who should know me best think they’re seeing beyond a pretense, and apparently can’t believe that there is no pretense. Combine this with the fact that when I was very young (before my “epiphany”) I was a bit melodramatic and overly emotional, and you have a situation where… the more dramatic the statement, the less I am believed.
And then I get raped by the girl I’m dating.
This of course in the midst of the mid-90s political feminist climate that was very up on the victimization of women by all those mean-old males, not to mention a highly public dog of a president who fucks everything that moves and then lies about it at any cost. And anyway… a guy can’t get raped by a girl; everyone knows that.
In the wake of what happened in college, you can understand at this point the utter impossibility of my telling my family (or anyone!) anything. I couldn’t even suggest that I was having a hard time, as it would lead to ridicule that I couldn’t possibly refute or explain. This in turn lead me to sink further into the feeling that I wasn’t trusted. That I wasn’t trustworthy. That I was a liar. I actually had to lie to pretend that the unbelievable thing didn’t happen–that I was okay. That I wasn’t so deep in despair that I could barely lift my head. I was a liar. I am a liar. My entire existence has been a long series of lies for years.
And I despise liars.
Lately a new situation within my family has arisen in which, essentially, I am considered a liar by most of them (notably, my sisters-in-law and wife seem to believe me, but none of my “core” family). And I have reached a point where I am withdrawing from them more and more, because, frankly, in the face of this I will at some point inevitably snap, and do something that can never be taken back. It’s not that I don’t want to be around them, it’s that I don’t dare. Because slapping you mom across the face as hard as you can just isn’t something you can later pretend never happened. They don’t see that what I’m doing by withdrawing is essentially self-defense. That it’s to save what’s left of my relationship with them. But there’s nothing that can be said, because after all I’m just melodramatic (which I’m not) and stubborn (which I am) and of course… lying.
And I have no defense for that last one; I am a liar. And there’s no way out of it.
This is interesting. I was cruising the web and came across a test called the Autism Spectrum Quotient, a test which, according to Wikipedia, “aims to investigate whether adults of normal intelligence have symptoms of autism or one of the other autism spectrum conditions.”
The average person scores somewhere around 16 or 17. Additionally, “80% of adults diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders scored 32 or more, compared with only 2% of the control group.”
I scored a 31.
I still think that the intelligence barrier is a significant part of my difficulty, but this certainly introduces a new wrinkle that bears further investigation.
You can take the test here if you like: http://glennrowe.net/…