[Y]ou swore to yourself a long time ago
There were some things that people never needed to know
Guess there’s one that you keep
That you bury so deep
No one can tear it outAnd you can’t talk about it
Because you’re following a code of silence
You’re never gonna to lose the anger
You just deal with it a different wayAnd you can’t talk about it
And isn’t that a kind of madness
To be living by a code of silence
When you’ve really got a lot to say– Billy Joel
“Code of Silence”
For over a decade I’ve been slowly eaten alive. The fact that noone knows what happened has made it bearable; and at the same time the act of keeping it hidden has allowed that single incident fester and destroy far more than it could have if exposed to daylight. The terror of ridicule, and the shame and fear at the possibility of talking about it and not being believed, has turned it inward, and buried it for so long that the idea of talking about it now seems absurd. How can such a thing affect me fifteen years after it’s done? Fifteen years after I last laid eyes on her?
But I get ahead of myself.
The real shame of it all is that I did try to talk to someone. I went to my doctor, and told him I was having problems. I had the bad luck of having a doctor whose first impulse was to do exactly as I most feared — he didn’t believe me. This was almost ten years ago, during the lowest point of my depression (before now). I was very close to ending it all; and that doctor’s thoughtless dismissal came very close to pushing me across that line.
That dismissal slammed the door on my doing anything other than burying it. Burying it deep. Shoving it down a deep hole and pouring cement in after it. I should have screamed it from the rooftops, and instead I carved a hole in my soul and packed it away.
This must seem absurd to anyone reading this. I don’t care. I’m not some sort of emo/goth/whatever who gets off on wallowing in imagined and empassioned sorrow. I would give anything — anything — to have those lost years back. Even as the original wound heals, the lost youth it stole from me can never be recovered. A life on hold. A man approaching his forties with all the life experience of a newly minted college grad, because he simply hasn’t been able to move.
Pathetic.
Every time I think I’m starting to get better, it comes rushing back. Ten years ago I had somewhere to turn, and I didn’t. Today those options are running out. The clock ticks and my heart fails. Where does it end?
Some things unknown are best left alone forever
And if a vow is what it takes
Haven’t you paid for your mistakes…
“The terror of ridicule, and the shame and fear at the possibility of talking about it and not being believed”
*maniac-like laughter of knowing this exact mountain of irony*
“I was very close to ending it all; and that doctor’s thoughtless dismissal came very close to pushing me across that line.”
I’ve experienced this one many times. It is soul-crushing.
It helped me a lot to research the differences between geniuses and other people. Part of my problem was that I was interpreting others the way I would interpret myself – we all do it, I think that is the main way in which humans understand one another. But it led to me constantly mistaking ignorance for malice, mistakes for apathy, lower level of sensitivity for dislike of me as a person, and the general suspicion that comes with having run into too many liars as distrust of me. (I do not lie much, so I had no idea that a most people lie multiple times a day… I still have a hard time believing that now). Now that I know how others think, I am not surprised by their reactions anymore, nor do I misinterpret them in such a way that they bother me. I am also able to communicate better because I know the nature of the gap.
“This must seem absurd to anyone reading this.”
No, it does not!
I have many anonymous blogs just like this one. Some of them private some of them public.
I do not know whether it is still important for you to get treatment for this problem or not, nor do I know what it is. But I wanted to suggest that if you want to see a professional about this, you should seek a psychologist who has experience with gifted adults. For me, the experience of going to a regular psychologist was like taking a space ship to an auto mechanic. Talking to many gifted people and doing much reading on the subject confirmed it for me – gifted people need special psychologists.
I tried looking for a referral once myself but it was not easy. What I would do is to contact the developmental psychologists in the area and ask them for a referral to a psychologist who has experience with gifted people. You may want to mention your level of giftedness as well, because there are more points in the gifted range than in any other. There are other alternatives as well if this one will not work for you such as doing independent therapy or finding others in your IQ range who understand you.
You may find it is a quest to find a psychologist who is not only qualified to help you but who is also a good fit. Same thing with finding someone in your IQ range who is also compatible enough to be understanding. But understanding people can be found! There are ways!
Oh, another note. If you don’t have luck finding a psychologist in your area, don’t despair. Many of them will do phone sessions. You can find one that is far away. There has to be someone somewhere within a reasonably priced calling range (voip and skype make this huge) who will understand you.
“I wanted to suggest that if you want to see a professional about this, you should seek a psychologist who has experience with gifted adults.”
Thank you for that. Excellent suggestion, and yes, I am currently looking in to finding a head shrinker. I sort of had the idea half formed in my mind, but didn’t really think there was such a thing. I’ll definitely look for this.
Unfortunately I have not had much luck with this myself but I do have some suggestions and can narrow it down a bit for you via process of elimination. Here are some places I have already contacted with no success:
http://gifteddevelopment.com/
http://www.centerforthegifted.org/frmcounsel.htm
http://roeperconsultation.com
Here are some places I would try:
http://www.davidsongifted.org/
http://www.sengifted.org
These guys have lists of developmental psychologists. Some of those developmental psychologists may be able to referr you to a therapist or counselor type psychologist:
http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/psychologists.htm
Alternately you could contact the Hoagie’s Gifted website author.
I just asked a friend who might have a referral. I will let you know if that turns something up.
I know that psychologists who specialize in gifted adults are out there because I’ve read about them. I have also read that gifted people tend to need cognitive therapy as the other types do not work as well. Oh yeah, here’s another person you can call to ask for a referral:
http://www.lionlifecoaching.com/home.htm