In the first post to this blog, I described how my strong connection to my family kept me alive during a bad period about ten years ago. Recently, that connection is slipping.
Well, perhaps “recently” is not the right word. It’s been a slow degradation in the past few years, but things have taken a significant turn for the worse in the last month or so. My connection to my siblings is not what it was, for the most part, and that with my parents is nearly destroyed. My marriage is ending around me. I can’t remember the last time a friend called me.
I can’t remember the last time I didn’t silently cry myself to sleep. The last night I didn’t wake up thrashing at two or three o’clock.
Sometimes I think the best thing I could do is get in my car and drive, and not stop until I was somewhere I’ve never been. Some town along the road I’ve never even heard of. Start again, with no baggage and no history. If I didn’t own a house I could do it. Pack & go. Then again that might be the worst thing I could do.
I’m slipping.
If I had a car, I’D DO THAT IN A SECOND. It’s been a dream of mine to totally out of the blue, without any planning, to get in my car and JUST DRIVE. anywhere. aimlessly. On an on, until I was done, until I landed somewhere.
I did it once before, NY to LA, alone, though it was somewhat planned, and involved a boy. Yet that drive was perhaps the most peaceful time in my life.
Once I arrived, of course, it became a different story…
But, as I’m sure you know, you can’t leave emotional baggage behind, nor can you erase memories (without some serious ECT treatment, of course).
As they say, “wherever you go, there you are.”
I’ve moved around enough (every 2 years or so) to know that this is the incontestable truth. It’s just not possible to run away.
All I have is a moped right now, and I don’t think that it’s going to get me very far.