…it brings on many changes…

Over the past ten years, I’ve sadly observed that depression makes you a coward. I avoid confrontation like the plague, and despite my abilities, I’ve even avoided pursuing those things at which I would likely be successful…

…because I might fail.

Well no shit. I might fail. I could professionally perform on stage if I set my mind to it… but I might fail. I could start my own business… but I might fail. So I’m still sitting within the loving arms of the same dead-end job I’ve had for ten years. Even within the company I work for there is another position that I could fill that would pay a lot more… but I might fail. Of course by never trying, I do fail.

The interesting twist on this is that I’ve recently discovered that the closer I come to true despair, the braver I get. If you’re willing to die, there’s no failure so great that you can’t escape it. And thus I’m actually pushing boundaries that have stymied me for years. Maybe it’s some bizarre evolutionary survival mechanism — the closer a person comes to self destruction, the very thing that puts him there pulls him away from that brink.

I don’t know. Still lost. But there’s this perverse hope born of the loss of all hope. Who would have thought?

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3 Responses to …it brings on many changes…

  1. r says:

    “the closer a person comes to self destruction, the very thing that puts him there pulls him away from that brink….there’s this perverse hope born of the loss of all hope.”

    No truer words have ever been said.

  2. She The Anomaly says:

    “If you’re willing to die, there’s no failure so great that you can’t escape it.”

    That’s right. I have had that experience myself. My suicidal nature has made me quite brave and quite bold. I have realized that life is a means, not an ends. People treat life as an ends, but then, they treat money as an ends, too and are generally means-and-ends confused.

    So, now, I am investing my life, rather than preserving it.

    The only way that I have found to make life worth living is to do something with it that is worth more to me than my life. And the best way to live, as far as I have found, is to be unattached to whether I live or die. I enjoy things much more now that I am unafraid of death.

    “The Chi cannot flow where there is fear”

    There may be a lot of enlightenment in these experiences for you.

  3. Twisted says:

    I used to contemplate suicide. The circumstances I was in made life a living hell. It was the people around me that drove me to insanity. I was a free mind being force-fed conservative ideals from my parents; they restricted me in ways that my young mind percieved to be inhumane.

    I have since developed a huge tolerance to the things that make you want to fast forward life. For years now, I’ve been devoid of fear, including fear of death. In addition, I can steel myself against all pain, mental or physical.

    Cannabis is a great aid in dealing with stress and anxiety. Nevertheless, it generally increases your quality of life, though its availability varies with location and legality.

    When I think of death now, I see it as one of the few things that can potentially answer so many of my existential questions. I am eager for death in that respect, but I will live my life in the meantime, experiencing pleasure simply because I can; for pleasure exists relative to pain.

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