Had a dream the other night.
I was arguing with my mother, and suddenly I just snapped and started hitting her. Closed fist. Hitting and hitting and hitting and
I woke up thrashing, in a literal cold sweat and heart racing. The dream had been so incredibly vivid–so real–that I thought at first that I was not dreaming but remembering something that had actually happened. I was terrified. “What have I done?”
None of it was real, but it took me a few minutes to convince myself of that. I’ve never had a dream feel so real to me upon waking. Before I was worried about dealing with Mom. Now I’m terrified.
I’ve never been a violent person. This whole concept is in no way par for the course. I need to talk to her and straighten things out with recent problems, but now I’m literally afraid to talk to her. I’ve had so many rugs yanked out from under me lately, and just as I was building up the grit to face a significant problem and deal with it…. I’m riding far too close to the edge lately.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Don’t! Don’t talk to her!
It may seem out of the ordinary to people that you want to avoid her. That’s okay. You are out of the ordinary – and nobody understands that.
There’s “Normal for Normal” and then there’s “Normal for gifted” – these are two *completely different things*.
We’re sensitive – we see things coming much sooner, and react much more strongly to everything. It is the greatest double-edged sword I know. On the one hand, my quality of experiencing and the depth of my insight are absolutely sublime. On the other hand, I often find myself overwhelmed, just like you are right now, and what I most need at that time is to be alone in a dark and quiet room. (www.hsperson.com explains about “Highly Sensitive People”, how they get overwhelmed and need to stay away from stimulation for a while).
Most people cannot understand being overstimulated and emotionally stressed out like this. For some, the opposite problem is the case – they’re not sensitive enough so they’re constantly under-stimulated.
People such as these will never understand people like me and you.
You are overstimulated and waaaay stressed out.
People have invalidated that for me my whole entire life. They have invalidated my sensitivity (calling it “dramatic” to imply that it cannot possibly be real and I am merely pretending to feel that much in order to manipulate them or get attention) and demanding energy of me after I have told them that I have nothing to give (that I want to be alone, that I need to take a break or any number of other statements). This has sent the strong message to me that my burnout is not real – as if THEY somehow find the “strength” to be burnt out like I get and still remain functional. Yes they do experience stress, but they don’t experiencing it *like a genius* does.
Most people do not get overstimulated or stressed out anywhere near as easily as I do. Considering this, I bet you and I are actually BETTER at dealing with being overwhelmed by emotions or stress than the average person – we’ve had more practice at it. (Hmm… I wonder if that’s part of why sensitivity leads to higher moral development… you’re always having to put your own needs aside to avoid conflicting with others… and once you’re good at that, the rest is just a matter of drawing the boundaries as to what’s your right and what is theirs.).
People have been telling me that sensitivity is a weakness my whole life. But the truth is that I am extraordinarily strong. Not only because I can behave like normal and keep going when I am overwhelmed and burnt out (until something breaks – which is always a risk with burnout, even though emotionally unintelligent or insensitive people who don’t experience this will try to sell you on believing that you don’t need to do any emotional resting.)
They probably invalidated you, too. They probably told you sensitivity is a weakness. Well, people who don’t HAVE insight are too lacking in insight to see why insight would be worthwhile – they have never experienced it. They can’t see that sensitivity is a strength and it would be difficult to show it to them because, in a way, they are blind.
So people have been telling folks like you and me we’re weak our whole lives, or simply not believing the depth of our intensity – but I promise you it is real and although it *is* a double-edged sword, it doesn’t *make* a person weak. Sensitive people need more rest but I think it’s a great trade-off because sensitivity makes them morally stronger, more insightful and more empathetic. Just as a bodybuilder needs more protein than the average person to get results, the morally developing person needs more time away from stimulation. Nobody faults the bodybuilder for eating more protein or calls him weak. Nobody should fault us, either.
Believe yourself that your emotions are real. Know that it is okay to need rest at times when others don’t – even if they don’t understand it. And heed the warnings that your subconscious gives you.
You need to avoid talking to your mother until your emotional energy is much, much higher.
“[Other people] do experience stress, but they don’t experiencing it *like a genius* does.”
I’ve been looking at the Positive Disintegration theory and the “hypersensitive” stuff, and while I think it has some real substance to it, I would also have to suggest that you oversimplify when you treat it as though *all* geniuses are affected by it. From what I read, it seems that both gifted and average people can have these, but gifted are more predisposed to it. (Okay, maybe just the hypersensitivity, but still….)
Yeah. I’m supposed to go over there later this week. Probably should find an excuse to beg off….
Overall though, you’re right. I’m waaay overstressed and actually walking multiple tightropes at once. (And didn’t that metaphor break down the instant it was begun.)
I have read such a variety of different things on sensitivity that I’m not really sure what to tell you for sure, but I can tell you that its complex. Not all geniuses are sensitive – I met one who isn’t and saw that for myself. (He had psychomotor OE, but none of the OE’s that would exactly translate to being “sensitive”.) Not all people with over-excitability have the same level of sensitivity. From what I have observed, I believe that the more gifted a person is, the more OE’s they’re probably going to have and the more intense each of them is likely to be.
People who know a lot about giftedness will sometimes talk about how highly gifted people tend to have a certain electricity and charisma to them which is so characteristic to them that it distinguishes them from the rest of the population. Of course, this doesn’t mean that absolutely all geniuses are sensitive. However, if there are any studies charting OE’s and IQ range, I am unaware of them. From what I have seen, though, I would not be surprised if it was very hard (or even literally impossible – as there are theories that the OE’s are a significant part of what increases a gifted person’s intelligence) to find a genius who didn’t have any OE’s.
I think “feel like a genius” works about as well as “roar like a lion”. Both are technically incorrect. Some lions may not be able to roar. But in both cases I’m perceiving there to be an insignificant number of exceptions.
I like the lion comparison. Excellent point, and really well stated.