Auld Lang Syne

There I am in younger days, stargazing,
Painting picture perfect maps
Of how my life and love would be.
Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
My compass, faith in love’s perfection.
I missed a million miles of road I should have seen.

Indigo Girls
“Love’s Recovery”

Perhaps the most corrosive aspect of long-term depression is that, as time passes, I feel the additional pressure of time wasted. Almost half of my life has been eaten up by this miasma of thought— bereft of hope or inspiration. And the longer it goes, the more I think that, even if I were to recover tomorrow I have lost what for most people is the most productive time in their lives. My twenties were stolen from me; my thirties are almost gone, and every second that passes is another that I will never have again. Today I remain childless, and in a failing marriage. My entire adult life has been consumed by this amorphous beast. I want to grab it by the throat. Stab it through the heart. Crush the life out of it. But what am I grasping at? My own long term failures. My inability to live a life worth living.

I can remember a time when I was happy, but the memory fades. Spend enough time trying to forget who you are, and you lose the ability to remember much else.

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2 Responses to Auld Lang Syne

  1. She_The_Anomaly says:

    I have dug myself out of long term depression enough times to know that once you’re happy again you won’t worry about the time you wasted. I have been wishing I was dead for over half my life, on and off, and it works every time.

    I have noticed that I think a lot about depressing things when I am depressed. I could get lost forever in depressing thoughts about depressing things – there sure are enough of them for that. However, if I focus on the things that will make me happy, its like turning a key in the lock, the depressing things become distant, the time that was wasted is forgotten, everything is fine again.

    Don’t let yourself be distracted by all the depressing things in existence. Focus on the key that will open your lock. Once you get on a constructive track with those, your outlook brightens.

    • Fred says:

      I suppose one of the biggest issues is that I do want to have children, and a family of my own. At the same time, I don’t want to be seventy when Junior graduates from college.

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