I haven’t written here in quite a while because, frankly, it had been a pretty good year and I didn’t have any great need to express myself on a blog about depression. The last half of this last month of the year has been ugly. Ugly enough to overshadow whatever good came before it. 2011 was a bad year for Fred.
From a psychological standpoint, I suppose it’s good that the bad year became such at the end, right before the “new beginning” of the new year. But of course the shit hitting the fan right before Christmas, and Round II right before New Years Eve is not a great juxtaposition. Having a party at my house tomorrow night. Planned a month or more ago, but I’m really in no mood to have a bunch of people around, much less cleaning the fucking house in anticipation thereof. No way to cancel without everyone wanting to know what happened– which is also something I wouldn’t want to deal with– and what’s bothering me most recently isn’t something I can readily explain anyway. People dying around me, and above and beyond that, a major spate of rugs being yanked out from under my feet.
Just as I was really starting to feel better about my own future, I find myself staggering. NOTHING in my life feels stable. I have two different jobs, and I’ve (sort of) lost both of them at once. One is dead and buried, and the other isn’t worth doing anymore. Brand new family issues are tearing me apart, and that’s not even counting me still groaning under the weight of perhaps the most significant decision of my entire life — whether to stay married, or divorce. Cap it off with a feeling that I’ve lost one of the few friends I have.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it! Just stop. Goddamn.
On this site I once pondered whether my desire to sweep my entire life aside and start anew was constructive or just a destructive impulse brought on by my emotional state. In a way, it seems fate is making those decisions for me.
I just want to sleep for a week. Nope. House to clean, and a dozen guests to entertain tomorrow. Why do I ever even plan for anything? Monday off, so I guess I have two days I can waste after the ball drops. Or should I spend it trying to pick up the pieces?
Stupid Impostor Syndrome. Why can’t I have this guy’s attitude?
To better times.